Absence

I must start by apologizing to all of you for my absence from Kaleidoscope lately. Our life has been quite hectic and truthfully I feel as if I have been a walking zombie stuck in some alternate reality. On October 30th I received a call from the nursing home where my mother in law was staying saying that she was not feeling well and her heart rate was a little low. Honestly they didn't seem like it was urgent. They asked which hospital we wanted her taken to , they wanted a doctor to get a look at her and theirs wasn't there that day. I called Billy and told him I would go and call him once I knew more. I called mom and she left her house to drive up and watch the boys. I got dressed, got both boys dressed and met her in Apex to drop them off. I went to the hospital and expected for it to be another long visit with no results. We had been there before and I expected it would be a repeat visit. When I got to the hospital I grabbed my book and went inside. I was taken back to her room in the ER . I was immediately alarmed by what I saw. She was laying there hooked up to an external pacemaker and they were waiting for her lab work to get back(apparently it was taking quite a long time) . The doctor said that the pacemaker had been doing it's job and they suspected that her potassium levels were out of whack. However they needed confirmation from the lab before they could go any further with medications. I thought that things were under control....I was wrong. In a split second all the alarms started going off on her monitors, they had to use an ultrasound machine to get her pulse, they were yelling clear and shocking her, she was crying out, and I was standing there trying to keep it together. They bagged her while they waited for respiratory to get there, they finally got the lab work back and gave her calcium, some long drug that begins with an a..., epinephrine, and God only knows what else. As the eight people rushed around me I stood there clutching my book to my chest, not knowing what to do or what to say. After they shocked her for the second time and began to tube her the doctor looked at me and asked if I was ok being in there for all of this. I didn't know what to say, I guess the look on my face said it all. They ushered me out and took me to a private family room. I had called Billy about 20 minutes before and told him to get there. He was at work in Greensboro and it takes him an hour and thirty minutes to get there. About ten minutes later the doctor came in the door and told me she had passed away. They had done CPR and tried everything the could. Did I want a chaplain to come in and talk to me? I was left sitting there crying wondering how I would call my husband and tell him. It was the hardest phone call I have ever made. I then called my mom, Billy's sister, his cousin, my sister. After I made all the calls I sat there and cried alone. I cried for my husband who wasn't there, I cried for my kids who had lost their Granny, I cried out of guilt that it was me at the hospital and not someone that she loved or liked more than me. Everyone who knows me is aware that we had our differences and were known to butt heads on occasions. I was grateful that my husband had not witnessed what I had, and prayed that she found some comfort in my being there. I really did love her- I didn't always understand her, but she gave me Billy and she loved my children unconditionally. My children- who hadn't yet been told that their Granny had died. We went home that night and told them. Emily cried because she understands death a little more than the boys, Andrew still can't comprehend what has happened. He asks when we are going to see Granny again. I guess it will take time.



Obviously the next few days were a crazy whirlwind. We had to make funeral arrangements for a funeral we didn't know how we were going to pay for. We had to clean out her apartment, all while dealing with his sister who was a basket case and no help at all. She had jumped in the car and driven to her boyfriend's house 2 hours away. Thank God we had all of our wonderful family . We had Billy's Aunt Sue and cousins John and Susanne, Gator and Amanda and my Mom, Dad and Kristen who came to help out with everything and take care of the kids. We got eh apartment cleaned out over the weekend and got the funeral finalized on Monday. Her remains would be buried at the Coastal Carolina State Veterans Cemetery alongside Billy's dad on Tuesday Nov. 3rd. After the funeral we went to lunch with all the family and then went to Lisa's boyfriends house to drop off two truckloads of stuff from Billy's mom's apartment. A perfect ending to a crappy day. Trust me you don't want to ask. Billy went back to work on Wednesday,, he had already missed 4 day, and I had to finish taking care of all the rest of the paperwork. Turning utilities off, turning in apartment keys, picking up the death certificate, calling social security, going to the bank, well you get the picture. Thankfully I think that I have taken care of everything that I can at this point.

Since everything happened I have been completely exhausted, both emotionally and physically. I have not been sleeping well at all. When I finally get the kids to bed at night I crawl into bed and I just lay there. I have so much flashing through my mind. I keep revisiting that day in the hospital and all that I was witness to. I can hear the alarms and the nurse yelling clear and then it just replays over and over again. I think things would be different if Billy were here at night. With him working in Greensboro he has been staying at my parents M-F. The kids and I go there when we can during the week . It seems like we spend most weekends there, Mom and Dad are probably sick of us by now. I feel as if our house is being terribly neglected. I guess once things calm down we will think about putting our house on the market and moving towards Greensboro. That is a whole other stressful mess I don't want to deal with at this point. I guess I am writing this to let you all know where I have been lately. I think I am writing this to make myself feel better and maybe get some of this out of my head and onto paper. I promise I will get caught up this weekend on posts of Halloween and Trunk or Treat and our recent visit with Flat Stanley- he was our guest over the Veterans Day Holiday. So long for now- I look forward to my next happier post.