Thanksgiving

Anna and Matthew
Cari and Katie

Billy and I

Drew and Cari on the "Great Hunt"

The beautiful Howell family

Emily and her Great Grandma- the world's sweetest woman.

Emily and her cousin Cari. She absolutely adores her!

Our family The Earnhardt-Nielsen clan

Uncle David and little Alexander

Sorry for the delay in my postings, but honestly I just have not been in the mood to blog lately. I think I am lacking in Christmas spirit. I am not really feeling the holidays this year. Everything is fine( thanks for calling and checking on me - you know who you are) It made me feel really good that there is someone out there who noticed my absence. I am sure that the fact that we have been in our home a combined total of 1 to 1 1/2 hours in the last 33 days and chose not to put any decorations up this year has not helped my holiday cheer. We have been at Mom and Dad's house pretty much solid since Nov 25th. Emily got out of school and does not go back to school until Jan 4th. Anyways we had a wonderful Thanksgiving spent with the wonderful Earnhardt family in Shelby. Aunt Judy and Uncle Danny were wonderful hosts and we had such a wonderful time during our visit. We had a day filled with great food, family that we don't see often enough, and even had the excitement of going on a hunt for wolves in the woods( thanks to the VA Earnhardts for humoring Drew ). It was a day filled with comfort and love.

Another Birthday in the House

We have another Birthday in our house this week. One that tends to be pushed to the back burner due to our daughter's being only two days before. Today is Billy's 35th Birthday. I can't believe that yet another year has gone by. It really doesn't feel like it is his Birthday. The kids and I spent the night playing in the backyard, doing homework, eating pizza, and watching a little TV. No celebration here. I guess it seems that way because he is not here. He is at Mom and Dad's tonight. I think they are going to take him out for one of his favorites chicken wings. I guess that means that the kids and I have to work extra hard this weekend to make sure his Birthday gets celebrated properly!

Happy Birthday Billy. I love you .

8

My crazy little girl

Happy Birthday my dearest Emily. (A day late on the posting) I can't believe how quickly the little girl in these pictures above has grown up. You may be growing up, but you still touch my heart the same way every time that you smile, you laugh, you cry, you ask a silly question,every time you fall down and get hurt, and every time that you ask if you can sit with and curl up next to me on the couch. It is when you do all these things that I am reminded just how miraculous you really are. And how much I love you. Happy Birthday!

Just a Little Color

A little unsure of the crunchy ground

The neighbors checking to see what all the noise is

We got outside last weekend to enjoy what ttle color was left. I think that Ida and the six inches of rain she brought wiped out almost all of the fall colors that were left here in NC. We went on an "adventure" (that is what the kids call it) to Mom and Dad's back pasture. We got to see the wildlife- a dangerous herd of wild cows, witness the awe of Squirrel Creek actually having water
to flow in it, and enjoy the beautiful Carolina skies which provided the perfect backdrop for the remaining fall color.

Second Star To The Right And Straight On Till Morning

Peter Pan, Tinkerbell, and Captain Hook

Tinkerbell and Peter Pan getting ready to go see all the neighbors

Emily showing off her kitty kat pumpkin

He doesn't look like a mean Hook does he?

Look at my beautiful costume Grandma made me.

Andrew and his Pirate pumpkin. Go Pirates- I see ECU in his future!

Such a pretty fairy!


Halloween was a bit different this year. With Billy's mom passing away the day before the festivities were kind of quiet around our house. We went to a few houses in our neighborhood. We always go to the same few houses each year and certainly didn't want to disappoint anyone. The neighbors always want to see what I have dressed them up as and what a spectacular job Grandma has done on the costumes. Mom handed out the candy at our house and later informed us that even though it was Halloween she didn't appreciate the spiders that seem to inhabit the corners of our front porch. It was the last time she would hand out candy if we didn't get rid of them. Sorry Mom- the kids are waiting to see if these spiders can spell out anything cool in their webs! They have even named one Charlotte. After that we went over to John, Susanne, and the boys to have dinner with them and Aunt Sue. We had a great meal and were able to decompress over some wine. It was nice to relax and not worry about everything going on. I was grateful for the opportunity as I desperately needed a break from the real world.

Hope that everyone out there had a Great Halloween!

Trunk or Treating Such a Treat

Tinkerbell, Cinderella and Peter Pan

Tinkerbell listening to the wonderful stories being told

I am Hook, Captain Hook!

Riding on the wagon

Emily and Jodi our two beautiful princesses

A beautiful ending to a wonderful night

We were invited by our wonderful cousins Susan, Fred and Jodi to go to Trunk or Treat this year at their church. We are so grateful that they thought of us. It was a wonderful night filled with great stories, games, giant slides, mule pulled wagon rides, and trunk or treating. What made the night so special was getting to share it with cousin Jodi. It was her first time experiencing anything like Halloween and it was so wonderful to see it through her eyes. Susan and Fred are so blessed to have found such a special and beautiful daughter. After all the excitement of the trunk or treating, we were all treated to a beautiful display of artwork in the sky.

Millcreek Orchards

Do I really have to hug her??

Swinging Away. If only we had a tree this big...


My middlest man being awfully sweet


Are we done yet?

Creating a masterpiece.

This is our second year going to the Family fun night at Millcreek Orchards. Once again we had such a lovely time. We took a hayride through the woods and saw some scary witches and ghosts. The kids created their own personal masterpieces , one of a kind hand painted pumpkins. We had yummy cider and popcorn, got treat bags, listened to some classic beach music, and took many turns swinging on the tire swing. Unfortunately we didn't stay for the outdoor screening of the Peanut's Halloween this year. It was one of the kids favorite parts last year, but as we had all been sick we decided to call it a night. Maybe next year we can stay for it all. We had such a wonderful time and look forward to attending again next year.

Absence

I must start by apologizing to all of you for my absence from Kaleidoscope lately. Our life has been quite hectic and truthfully I feel as if I have been a walking zombie stuck in some alternate reality. On October 30th I received a call from the nursing home where my mother in law was staying saying that she was not feeling well and her heart rate was a little low. Honestly they didn't seem like it was urgent. They asked which hospital we wanted her taken to , they wanted a doctor to get a look at her and theirs wasn't there that day. I called Billy and told him I would go and call him once I knew more. I called mom and she left her house to drive up and watch the boys. I got dressed, got both boys dressed and met her in Apex to drop them off. I went to the hospital and expected for it to be another long visit with no results. We had been there before and I expected it would be a repeat visit. When I got to the hospital I grabbed my book and went inside. I was taken back to her room in the ER . I was immediately alarmed by what I saw. She was laying there hooked up to an external pacemaker and they were waiting for her lab work to get back(apparently it was taking quite a long time) . The doctor said that the pacemaker had been doing it's job and they suspected that her potassium levels were out of whack. However they needed confirmation from the lab before they could go any further with medications. I thought that things were under control....I was wrong. In a split second all the alarms started going off on her monitors, they had to use an ultrasound machine to get her pulse, they were yelling clear and shocking her, she was crying out, and I was standing there trying to keep it together. They bagged her while they waited for respiratory to get there, they finally got the lab work back and gave her calcium, some long drug that begins with an a..., epinephrine, and God only knows what else. As the eight people rushed around me I stood there clutching my book to my chest, not knowing what to do or what to say. After they shocked her for the second time and began to tube her the doctor looked at me and asked if I was ok being in there for all of this. I didn't know what to say, I guess the look on my face said it all. They ushered me out and took me to a private family room. I had called Billy about 20 minutes before and told him to get there. He was at work in Greensboro and it takes him an hour and thirty minutes to get there. About ten minutes later the doctor came in the door and told me she had passed away. They had done CPR and tried everything the could. Did I want a chaplain to come in and talk to me? I was left sitting there crying wondering how I would call my husband and tell him. It was the hardest phone call I have ever made. I then called my mom, Billy's sister, his cousin, my sister. After I made all the calls I sat there and cried alone. I cried for my husband who wasn't there, I cried for my kids who had lost their Granny, I cried out of guilt that it was me at the hospital and not someone that she loved or liked more than me. Everyone who knows me is aware that we had our differences and were known to butt heads on occasions. I was grateful that my husband had not witnessed what I had, and prayed that she found some comfort in my being there. I really did love her- I didn't always understand her, but she gave me Billy and she loved my children unconditionally. My children- who hadn't yet been told that their Granny had died. We went home that night and told them. Emily cried because she understands death a little more than the boys, Andrew still can't comprehend what has happened. He asks when we are going to see Granny again. I guess it will take time.



Obviously the next few days were a crazy whirlwind. We had to make funeral arrangements for a funeral we didn't know how we were going to pay for. We had to clean out her apartment, all while dealing with his sister who was a basket case and no help at all. She had jumped in the car and driven to her boyfriend's house 2 hours away. Thank God we had all of our wonderful family . We had Billy's Aunt Sue and cousins John and Susanne, Gator and Amanda and my Mom, Dad and Kristen who came to help out with everything and take care of the kids. We got eh apartment cleaned out over the weekend and got the funeral finalized on Monday. Her remains would be buried at the Coastal Carolina State Veterans Cemetery alongside Billy's dad on Tuesday Nov. 3rd. After the funeral we went to lunch with all the family and then went to Lisa's boyfriends house to drop off two truckloads of stuff from Billy's mom's apartment. A perfect ending to a crappy day. Trust me you don't want to ask. Billy went back to work on Wednesday,, he had already missed 4 day, and I had to finish taking care of all the rest of the paperwork. Turning utilities off, turning in apartment keys, picking up the death certificate, calling social security, going to the bank, well you get the picture. Thankfully I think that I have taken care of everything that I can at this point.

Since everything happened I have been completely exhausted, both emotionally and physically. I have not been sleeping well at all. When I finally get the kids to bed at night I crawl into bed and I just lay there. I have so much flashing through my mind. I keep revisiting that day in the hospital and all that I was witness to. I can hear the alarms and the nurse yelling clear and then it just replays over and over again. I think things would be different if Billy were here at night. With him working in Greensboro he has been staying at my parents M-F. The kids and I go there when we can during the week . It seems like we spend most weekends there, Mom and Dad are probably sick of us by now. I feel as if our house is being terribly neglected. I guess once things calm down we will think about putting our house on the market and moving towards Greensboro. That is a whole other stressful mess I don't want to deal with at this point. I guess I am writing this to let you all know where I have been lately. I think I am writing this to make myself feel better and maybe get some of this out of my head and onto paper. I promise I will get caught up this weekend on posts of Halloween and Trunk or Treat and our recent visit with Flat Stanley- he was our guest over the Veterans Day Holiday. So long for now- I look forward to my next happier post.

Four years old

I laugh as I look at this picture of you. Years from now I will probably look at it and say it is Alex. You really do look so much alike. This has always been one of my favorite pictures of you my middle man. Today you turn four. Four years old. Already? I am shocked at how quickly the past four years have gone by. When Emily was a baby the days went by at a slow and wonderful pace. Now that we have three children the years just fly by. They all seem to run together. I blink and realize that you are one step closer to "growing up" Here we are celebrating another birthday. Mommy may complain that you are her difficult child, and that you continually test me, but the truth is that I would be lost without you. I love you little man. Happy Birthday my little Drew bear.

Alone Time

As Billy has been working in Greensboro he has been staying at my parents house pretty much all week long. It has been quite hard getting used to becoming a single mom 5 days a week. I don't know how women do it all the time. I can tell you that I couldn't handle it all the time. Here I am at the end of week two and I feel as if I need to check myself into some type of mental health facility. I love my kids.... I love my kids more than I ever thought I could love another being, but after a week solid ( 24-7) I need a break. I have been sick for almost two weeks. After a bout of the stomach flu a week and a half ago I am still not up to par. My body still aches, my chest and head still hurt and food is still not sitting right with me. The baby has a sinus infection and a lovely cough and HATES to take his medicine. You should try to force 1 1/2 tsp of medicine into a crabby 29 lb ox. It is not an easy task. He coughs all night long and therefor neither if us get much sleep. Poor Emily has had to help out much more with Billy gone . You should try to help someone on their homework while one son in screaming bloody murder while in timeout and the other is screaming and crying because he doesn't feel good. I feel so bad for her. She is truthfully the one who is suffering the most because she is the most self sufficient. She is doing a great job with the occasional gripe, but I can take that. That brings me to Andrew. Oh Andrew. Andrew is such a handful. We will say that he has been going through a phase. I say this as I also say a silent prayer that this will come to an end very soon. He has been acting up a little more than usual and I feel whole heartedly that it is from lack of attention. As I spend all day every day with him you can't say I don't pay enough attention to him. It is that he is lacking Andrew attention. Alone Andrew time. I am trying my hardest to do the best I can. He has especially been acting up when it is just the boys and I . Especially when we are somewhere like the doctor. We took the baby in for a check up on his tubes with the ENT this week. Andrew was a nightmare and the visit ended with me carrying him out, kicking and screaming. I put him in the car seat and got in the car and sat there and cried. That night he told me that he was going to find somewhere else to live and get a new mommy. He is almost four.....shouldn't that come out of the mouth of a fourteen year old and not my little man? When we took the baby to the pediatrician he was oh so well behaved. I am sure you can hear the sarcasm in that. That appointment peaked when he bit me not once but twice in the butt. After that our pediatrician actually picked him up and forced him to sit down. He told him if he moved or if he spoke he wold be in trouble with him. He listened. As soon as the Dr. walked out he started acting up again. I was furious and once again got to the car in tears. He knew he was in trouble so he started to kick and yell because he didn't want to sit in time out when he got home. While doing this he broke the rear heat and a/c control in my car. We got home and informed my neighbor that he didn't want to live with me any more and was going to live with her. She informed him that he couldn't live with her. He wouldn't want to anyways as she was a no nonsense type lady who didn't have a place for him to stay. He would be forced to sleep and eat with her two dogs. He thought that this sounded much better than staying with his crappy mom. I told him I would help him pack his bags and went inside. My neighbor also went inside and after a minute or two the thought of sleeping outside was replaced by the thought of dinner and his jammies, he defeatedly walked back into the house. It was a fabulous ending to a fabulous day. I just wish I knew what to do with him. It seems that no punishment/reward system works with him. It can be very frustrating. I sit there at night and watch his sweet little face while he is sleeping and wonder if it is something that I have done. I have done everything the same with him that I did with Emily and I just can't figure out where I have gone wrong. Have I failed as mother? I sometimes feel that way and it really sucks. Being a mom has been my entire life for the past eight years and the thought of somehow failing at it is quite depressing.

All the kids are sleeping now and they look like little angels. I pray that tomorrow they will still be that way when they wake up. Maybe tomorrow I will have a little more time with Emily. Maybe tomorrow Alex will feel better and not cough as much. Maybe tomorrow Andrew won't want a new mommy, maybe he will want me.

Reflections

It is funny how life is sometimes. You are sitting there thinking how crummy things are when something happens that makes you reflect upon just how lucky you really are. That your problems are actually very minute compared to others.

This week my daughter had a little piece of her innocence ripped away from her. I was driving to the nursing home to have a meeting with the nursing home staff about Billy's mom's care and received a call from her assistant principle. I was shocked to be getting a call like this especially since Emily was home sick from school. She was calling because there was an "issue causing some change in her class" I was sure that I would be told that one of her classmates had been diagnosed with the Swine Flu. We had to keep a close eye on all of our kids. Plain and simple, but I was wrong. I was shocked when the Asst. Principle continued with her call. There had been a shooting at a church in Fuquay that morning and one person had been killed and another wounded- condition unknown. How does this affect Emily's class I thought. I then learned that a classmate of hers had lost her mother in that shooting. That classmate, a 7 year old second grader along with their fourth grade sibling had witnessed their mother being gunned down with their own eyes. While being dropped off at before school care their mother's boyfriend had confronted her, they argued and he shot her and then shot himself in the chest. This innocent child had seen something as horrific as this and would now be without a mother for the rest of her life. I was shocked and didn't know what to say. I could not be told who the student was for their privacy, Emily would find out when she returned to school. I hung up and tried to figure out a way to tell my child that not only do things like this happen in this horrible world, but they can happen to those that we know. They brought in counselors from other area schools to counsel the two classes in the school that the children attended. They had support staff in the classes for the rest of the week. But how much support is enough? How can you explain such a horrible and senseless act to such a pure and innocent mind. Kids watch the news and see horrible things daily, but to have it drop on your front step is a completely new ballgame. I was personally glad Emily was not at school that day. I got to explain it to her. I was the one to tell my daughter that one of her friend's mother had been murdered and she saw it happen.

She was two years younger than me. A mother of three- her youngest only three years old, a school bus driver for the local high school. She was in the prime of her life and she had it taken away from her, by a sick man, who will live, and has been charged with first degree murder. He will live to see another sunrise, another sunset- how do you explain that to a child? Emily sat in the back seat and cried. She cried for a friend whose name she had yet to learn , cried for all those who had lost a loved one that day, cried from the thought that these things could be so close to us, and cried because she still had a mommy.

I spoke with two of her classmates mom's that night to see how they were handling things. We all were unsure of what to say to our children. I was once again happy that Emily learned from me. Apparently things were crazy at school. Being that the victim was a school bus driver, all the drivers were talking on the radios that morning. The kids being kids overheard and talked about it....we all know how that goes. By the time the buses arrives at the school things were really crazy. A child's mind works in crazy ways and it is amazing how one thing can lead to another and then suddenly is blown out or proportion. One mom whom I have known for three years has a daughter in both the classes affected by the tragedy. Her daughters ride the bus and listened to all the chatter. Her older daughter, a ten year old, sat there and listened to all this and by the time she arrived at school was a wreck. Apparently her parents had argued the night before, as we all do, all the kids are talking about the shooting and an argument , their parents arguing and divorcing. She was crying with a counselor when her mom got the call. She was worried that since her parents had argued the night before they would either -a. get a divorce like the little boy on the bus, or b. Since her dad is in law enforcement and there are firearms in the house ......well I am sure you know what she was thinking. I thought I had a lot to explain and deal with. Since my child was at home sick and doesn't ride the bus we escaped all the confusion and misinformation that the kids created amongst themselves that morning. I was glad that Emily had not been there for that and suffered even more confusion. We are still dealing with questions as I am sure we will for sometime. I will continue to answer them to the best of my ability. I will try to support my child and all the other children as best I can.. It is all I can do.

This last week has caused me to be grateful for so many things. I have things that aren't perfect in my life and they may get me down at times. We all have these things and we have days that they bother us more than others. But I am blessed. I have a wonderful life that I am still living. I have a husband that I love and that I have a healthy argument with on occasion. I have three beautiful children that I get to kiss goodnight each and every night. I have a family that supports me in all I do even if they don't agree with me. I will get to see another Thanksgiving, another Christmas, a next birthday, an off key school performance ,my daughter's next report card, my youngest child's first day of school. I will get to see many many more sunsets. For that I am grateful.

Back to School

Today was Emily's first day back at school. We are now on our second quarter of second grade. As you can see it is a big deal to the boys too. Andrew asks how long until Emily gets out of school about every five minutes. It is very cute and quite ironic since they can not get along for more than five minutes at a time. I hate that she is gone again. I love having her home (except for the bickering between her and the middle monster). She has learned so much in school already. I can't wait to see what she learns the rest of the year. Did you know that she read the entire first Harry Potter book over track out. My seven year old read Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone- all seventeen chapters- I happen to think that is pretty cool. What do you think?

Sliding Down

Lately I feel as if I am stuck in a rut. Things have been just blah. It has been a crazy and crummy past few months. Now I am stuck at the bottom of the slide unsure of how to get back to the top. It has been a crazy slippery ride down. I haven't been sleeping well. I have been stressing about countless things, changes with Billy's work, his mother's stay in the hospital, health insurance, the kids staying healthy until our new insurance kicks in, why our roof that is only 8 years old decided to leak, how much that is going to cost to fix....I guess the point is it has all been on my mind lately. I don't know why I stress about things that I have no control over. I can't change them yet I continue to do it. I suppose it is the type of person that I am. I know that things are going to get better. I know some of the worrying will cease when we once again have health insurance at the end of the week. When Billy finally transfers to Greensboro and we know what his schedule will be like will bring a sense of relief. He was hired for nights, but is rumored to be going to the day shift. Will I put our kids to bed 4 nights a week by myself and get them up by myself? I would just like to know what our life is going to be like, so that we may return to some sort of normalcy. Billy's mom is doing better. She is still in the hospital. They are giving her lots of meds for her pneumonia and her congestive heart failure. I am glad that she is doing better but wish that she would be a little more willing to listen to the doctor's advice and help herself out. It is just frustrating. Billy's long days at work have been followed by visits to the hospital. We spent 2 1/2 hours there the other day with all three of the kids. That really helped our stress levels. The boys were miserable the whole time we were there. While trying to keep them quiet, I was going over all the illnesses they had probably contracted while we were there. Thinking " Please God don't let them get sick at all and if they do wait until after Thursday." Mom and dad came up to visit yesterday and that really made me feel better. It is amazing what seeing loved ones (even those we get to see often) can do for ones emotional state. We did nothing at all really. Mom and I ran to the grocrey store and cooked a big pot of chilli and Dad nad Billy fixed the leaky roof and mowed the grass. Then they settled in for an afternoon of NFL. Normally a whole evening of Nascar and NFL would annoy me but yesterday it helped me feel a little more like our normal life was returning. I really felt better after their visit. I think I may feel even better after getting all this out . Our Little Monkeys
What a sweet smile

Teetering back and forth

What a great big sis
On our way down